LOVE & FEELINGS

well.. there's two events to share relating to being optimistic..

one.. getting over somebody you love..
as some would have actually know.. it was hard to get over him..
liking him was complicated and i'd made lots of sacrifices just to prove my own feelings..
and now.. im learning how to really get over him..
and i can see how optimistic i had become nowadaes..
i can see that im happier.. wherever i tot of him, i no longer felt lonely..
but i simply smiled.. and then i'll just forget about him..
thank you for that... whoever that had been supporting all these while..

two... i went to VSA recently.. i volunteered in one of the classes..
VSA conducts art classes for special kids.. and wherever i tot of special kids.. i tend to think of the worst case scenario... well.. cant blame mii for that right.. hahahas.
and then.. i met this kid call joshua.. he spoke well.. just that he has his own world..
he's funnie.. lol... and he's just really optimistic..
as i was helping him cut a star shape from a fabric, i accidentally cut out one of the five points..
i was terribly sorry at that point of that and wanted to make it up to it by glueing it together..
and then he saw mii and said.. what are you doing? i can paste it myself.
and then i confessed and said.. im sorry. i didnt do a proper job in cutting.. and so this corner got cut off.. but no worries, i'll paste it back for you.. and then he said something that i wouldn't expect at all.. he said.. it's okie! it could be a broken star! very nice! and paste it separately making it seems like a real broken star... i really didnt expect him to say that.. and then tom came over and told mii, sometimes simple things touches one's heart, isnt it? i nodded, automatically..
by the end of the class.. i met his mother.. well.. joshua is dark skinned like an indian.. but then his mother is totally chinese.. well, he could have inherit that from his dad but that's not the point.. but what amaze me was that... his mother was smiling from the moment she entered the class till she approaches her son.. i dunno why but i had tots of asking are you happy? and then i wondered why am i thinking that way... well.. now that im giving it a deep thought.. i wonder to myself.. am i asking whether she's happy with her current life or whether she's happy with her son or what? i dunno.. i still can't think of a reason why i wanted to ask her that. but well.. i guess it doesnt matter any more.. well..hopefully...

so yeah.. be optimistic as much as you can.. im glad that im becoming more optimistic but i hope this optimism will not fade out soon..hahahahahas.. ciaoz..

it's been awhile... since i last blog..
and wherever tat happens, it's either a good post or a bad post.

i'd not been myself lately..
something is wrong with mii...
i feel lonely and sick... of everything..

it has been a couple of days..
i felt pain in the heart.. it's either i would end up crying in pain.. or feels like vomitting..
i had no idea wat exactly is wrong with mii..
but im sensing that sth wrong with mii emotionally..
im eating only one meal per day.. making mii feels sick all the time..
im lacking of ppl to actually talk to.. making mii lonely all the time..
where had all the good times went to?
where had my optimistic character went to?

dear god... im begging you.. pls save mii..
it feels as if im losing myself soon..

wahhhh~~ this year raya is more special! coz it's where i start giving out green packets!
hahahahas... no more hari raya money for mii!!!! :( saded.. HAHAHAHAS.

my beloved niece! aryssa haiza... hari and ary~ LOL!
family pict!

siblings! the AWESOMEST 4~~~

the ladies~~~

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my family, friends and relatives! (:

in this life..
there are just some things not worth mentioning...
and in this case... it is my current feeling..
however.. i feel so stuffy thinking about it..
i feel so unfair keeping it to myself..

as much as i wanna give u room to breathe..
u let me down by making mii suffocating..
is it a crime to be understanding..
i am the one sacrificing but why am i a victim here?
cmon dude.. can't you just spare a lil tot for mii...

perhaps.. wat others say about us is true..
i think u r not ready to face things together..
perhaps.. u still need time..
or maybe... im just not the one for you..

maybe i should have think rationally earlier..
perhaps i should have waited a lil longer to see thing more clearer..
thanks for making mii realise soo many things in this world..
all i could say is... it is a bad romance..

for the past few days...weeks or months...
i perhaps had forgotten what's the meaning of crying...
i've been living a carefree lifestyle.. happy lifestyle..

but once i'm reminded again..
the pain is greater than usual..
crying in silence... tears overflow like there's no tmr..
just a simple tots could make mii cry in an instant..

haiz.. there are some things that keep bothering my mind..
few months back.. i promised myself that i would gather all the courage i had...
and tell him everything on tat day.. on the day we met... but in the end..
things turn out different.. i totally couldnt do it.. i totally cant..
where has my courage gone to?! i hate myself..

and then.. wen i think back on that day..
i keep wondering to myself.. why didnt i do it?
why did i do things that is soooooooooooooo redundant and useless..
i could have used the opportunity to say it all..
why why why? i feel sooo freaking useless.. i feel like a total loser..
tat day was the only day.. i could do it.. whyyyyy didnt i do it?
it was a hard opportunity to come by.. i dunno when would tat chance ever come back!!
so whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

in the end.. i believe for self comfort.. i told myself..
i prefer the current now.. i just couldnt take the risk.. and keep thinking of the worst..
right now i could say i would do it if i were to be given another chance.. but then..
i still believe i wouldnt dare to do it.. coz.. im just a loser..
who just cant tell him everything in my mind.. maybe.. i should have not even think about it..
i'm a fucking sore loser.. haiz..

alot ask mii why i made the sudden decision to travel overseas.. wat's worst is tat.. travelling alone..
it's hard for mii to explain.. it was on impulse.. with anger and sadness feeling surrounding mii.. and yes.. no one knew about this trip.. not my family.. not my friends.. not even dee.. until the day of my flight itself.. wen i was contemplating whether i shud travel.. it was hard.. but i made up my decision with this tot.. "i might not have the money and time like i have now.. so might as well go for it.. " and so i did.. i went over to indonesia..

day 1 (tues)
to make things less complicated.. i'd packed in the morning itself.. den slowly break the news to ppl.. LOL.. only a few knew where i went on tat day.. and then off i go.. first day was quite boring.. while waiting to check in to hotel.. i went around.. it's definitely different travelling alone.. with my personality tat's quite easy.. i walk ard according to my instinct.. bearing in mind.. this is not my country.. i'm a gal.. and i should be careful at all time.. hahahas... it was quite a sight..

went to one of the shopping mall near my hotel.. and then.. i met a fren there.. surprise surprise huh?! hahahas. i met my sec fren there.. i guess god was blessing mii.. he brought mii around.. and tell mii wat i can do with ard there.. i asked for his advice.. saying tat im seeking peace and time alone.. and so there come an idea where i shud travel down to the villages.. the only way to go there was to take bus.. and so i spend the day.. thinking where to go.. how to go.. and making sure.. i have the means to come back to the city.. i spend the whole day window shopping.. sit around.. go to my fren house to play... hahahas.. it's interesting how unplanned things turn out to be exciting.. (((:

day 2..
after breakfast.. i quickly check out from my hotel.. and then head down to the bus station to take bus to a village.. damn.. i cant remember the village name.. LOL! and so.. i went down.. it was 3 hrs bus ride down.. and haiz.. the bus condition..reminds mii of malacca city bus.. LOL! no comment.. i couldnt sleep.. couldnt eat.. so i just enjoy the greenery.. or should i say sandy trip.. LOL!

once reached the village.. i have no place to stay.. and so i keep walking and walking and walking.. till i saw a children's home.. with my skill in speaking bahasa.. i asked them if they could take mii in for one night.. and so.. they welcomed mii.. and to my surprise.. they took mii in for free.. feeling burdened... i offered to help out in the place.. this is where everything is interesting..
i helped to clean up the place.. and god.. it was an eye opener.. everywhere is dirty and dusty.. sandy.. i cant describe.. i used to complain how messy my house is.. here.. even complaining is useless.. i spent hours cleaning up.. and even so.. it's still not very tidy.. the weather is super hot.. and i sweat to the max.. reaching night time.. feeling super tired and hungry.. i offered to cook dinner for the kids.. it's funnie.. coz i used to hate cooking at home.. my mum always nagged at mii to cook... but there.. im actually following my mum's instruction in cooking.. with the ingredients tat they have.. i'd made cooked rice.. cabbage soup with carrot.. and sambal goreng without meat.. it was tough.. coz the portion is bigger.. so i need to roughly guess the ingredient to be put inside.. but thanked god.. it turned out well.. every kid seems to enjoy it.. maybe it's becoz it's something they never try before?? LOL! i dunno.. after tat.. i did cleaning and all..
doesn't it feel as if im doing community service alone?! hahahahas.

really late at night.. i went to the nearby mosque for prayer and then as i walked on the dark road.. it was too scary for mii.. too dark for mii.. i was scared.. but then.. as i looked up in the sky.. it was beautiful.. maybe bcoz the surrounding is dark.. there seems to be thousands of star in the sky.. there were alot of stars.. shining brightly.. back to the home.. the kids were resting.. some were talking.. some were learning.. some were singing.. it was quite happening.. i join here and there.. mostly i did talking.. coz they were curious about who i am.. where i came from and all.. the caretaker there was super friendly to mii.. she shares lots of stories about some of the kids and all.. slightly dramatic isnt it?! hahahahas. some stories were really sad.. making mii move to tears... and making mii realise.. how lucky i am.. being in singapore.. being educated.. being well brought up.. even though..i have to go thru some hardship.. nothing is compared to theirs..

day 3..
i went to the local markets there.. seeing and buying stuff back to the home.. to my surprise.. i met my aunt's ex maid there... i was really happie to see her.. i mean.. i was quite close to her.. and so.. i keep wondering why she didnt come back singapore to be come my aunt maid again.. so seeing her.. it's like.. i was really really happie.. hahahas... she brought mii to her house.. and there i saw her kids and husband.. we had a great catch up.. she even cried saying she miss our family.. haiz.. i understand how she felt.. 2 years taking care of the kids.. im sure she misses the kids.. and she curious how they are now.. i showed them their pictures from my phone.. managed to call home so tat they could chat with her.. hahahahas.. i was thinking.. wat kind of fate it is.. tat i met ppl tat i noe in an alien country.. it's such a small world u noe!!

i dun wish to share the place to shower and all.. it was freaking mii out.. till the point.. i dun wan to shower naked.. LOL! i spend the afternoon walking ard.. seeing here.. seeing there.. i feel soooo sad wherever i see the old ppl there.. haiz.. it was really a sight.. just seeing is tough.. how about them who have to go through all tat.. haiz.. the weather is freaking hot.. and i even thought i experience earthquake there.. but nah.. it was nth.. towards the evening.. back to dinner.. this time.. we get to eat meat! LOL! from the morning shopping.. i bought chicken (lots of it) and asked the caretaker to help mii to cook.. LOL! i cant handle poultry well yet.. hehehehe.. and so we had a filling dinner..

by right.. im like supposed to go back on day 3.. but then.. i missed my bus back to the city and so i had to stay back another day at the village.. hahahahas.. it was a mixed feeling.. i keep wondering.. where i did the right thing to stay a day longer there.. hahahahas.. tat night.. i talk to the caretaker again.. and i gave her things tat i bought in the morning.. i bought lots of stationaries and notebook for the kids.. and lastly.. i gave all the cash i have.. both rupiah and sing dollars.. hoping tat it would be a great help to them..

day 4
woke up real early to catch up the morning bus back to the city.. coz im catching my flight back in the noon.. and yes! i went back cashless! depending fully on my cards!!! hahahahas.. my bag is lighter too.. coz i gave some of my shirt to them.. and then.. home sweet home..

haiz.. lot of things learnt.. i see soo many things.. i hear soo many things.. tat i wish to keep to only myself.. i wish.. and i think.. i will not travel alone anymore!!!!!!! hahahahas.. i even lost my camera.. TT^TT

and deee! stop being angry with mii will ya.. u were..........1/99999999999999999999999999 responsible for my trip! u noe why.. dun ask mii.. so forgive mii~~ and stop being petty.. and be happie!!! u noe i love you alot!! hehehe!~

hari.signing off!!