12:49 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
well.. there's two events to share relating to being optimistic..

one.. getting over somebody you love..
as some would have actually know.. it was hard to get over him..
liking him was complicated and i'd made lots of sacrifices just to prove my own feelings..
and now.. im learning how to really get over him..
and i can see how optimistic i had become nowadaes..
i can see that im happier.. wherever i tot of him, i no longer felt lonely..
but i simply smiled.. and then i'll just forget about him..
thank you for that... whoever that had been supporting all these while..

two... i went to VSA recently.. i volunteered in one of the classes..
VSA conducts art classes for special kids.. and wherever i tot of special kids.. i tend to think of the worst case scenario... well.. cant blame mii for that right.. hahahas.
and then.. i met this kid call joshua.. he spoke well.. just that he has his own world..
he's funnie.. lol... and he's just really optimistic..
as i was helping him cut a star shape from a fabric, i accidentally cut out one of the five points..
i was terribly sorry at that point of that and wanted to make it up to it by glueing it together..
and then he saw mii and said.. what are you doing? i can paste it myself.
and then i confessed and said.. im sorry. i didnt do a proper job in cutting.. and so this corner got cut off.. but no worries, i'll paste it back for you.. and then he said something that i wouldn't expect at all.. he said.. it's okie! it could be a broken star! very nice! and paste it separately making it seems like a real broken star... i really didnt expect him to say that.. and then tom came over and told mii, sometimes simple things touches one's heart, isnt it? i nodded, automatically..
by the end of the class.. i met his mother.. well.. joshua is dark skinned like an indian.. but then his mother is totally chinese.. well, he could have inherit that from his dad but that's not the point.. but what amaze me was that... his mother was smiling from the moment she entered the class till she approaches her son.. i dunno why but i had tots of asking are you happy? and then i wondered why am i thinking that way... well.. now that im giving it a deep thought.. i wonder to myself.. am i asking whether she's happy with her current life or whether she's happy with her son or what? i dunno.. i still can't think of a reason why i wanted to ask her that. but well.. i guess it doesnt matter any more.. well..hopefully...

so yeah.. be optimistic as much as you can.. im glad that im becoming more optimistic but i hope this optimism will not fade out soon..hahahahahas.. ciaoz..

1:02 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
it's been awhile... since i last blog..
and wherever tat happens, it's either a good post or a bad post.

i'd not been myself lately..
something is wrong with mii...
i feel lonely and sick... of everything..

it has been a couple of days..
i felt pain in the heart.. it's either i would end up crying in pain.. or feels like vomitting..
i had no idea wat exactly is wrong with mii..
but im sensing that sth wrong with mii emotionally..
im eating only one meal per day.. making mii feels sick all the time..
im lacking of ppl to actually talk to.. making mii lonely all the time..
where had all the good times went to?
where had my optimistic character went to?

dear god... im begging you.. pls save mii..
it feels as if im losing myself soon..


8:25 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

wahhhh~~ this year raya is more special! coz it's where i start giving out green packets!
hahahahas... no more hari raya money for mii!!!! :( saded.. HAHAHAHAS.

my beloved niece! aryssa haiza... hari and ary~ LOL!
family pict!

siblings! the AWESOMEST 4~~~

the ladies~~~

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my family, friends and relatives! (:

bad romance

12:17 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
in this life..
there are just some things not worth mentioning...
and in this case... it is my current feeling..
however.. i feel so stuffy thinking about it..
i feel so unfair keeping it to myself..

as much as i wanna give u room to breathe..
u let me down by making mii suffocating..
is it a crime to be understanding..
i am the one sacrificing but why am i a victim here?
cmon dude.. can't you just spare a lil tot for mii...

perhaps.. wat others say about us is true..
i think u r not ready to face things together..
perhaps.. u still need time..
or maybe... im just not the one for you..

maybe i should have think rationally earlier..
perhaps i should have waited a lil longer to see thing more clearer..
thanks for making mii realise soo many things in this world..
all i could say is... it is a bad romance..


5:30 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
for the past few days...weeks or months...
i perhaps had forgotten what's the meaning of crying...
i've been living a carefree lifestyle.. happy lifestyle..

but once i'm reminded again..
the pain is greater than usual..
crying in silence... tears overflow like there's no tmr..
just a simple tots could make mii cry in an instant..


8:07 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
haiz.. there are some things that keep bothering my mind..
few months back.. i promised myself that i would gather all the courage i had...
and tell him everything on tat day.. on the day we met... but in the end..
things turn out different.. i totally couldnt do it.. i totally cant..
where has my courage gone to?! i hate myself..

and then.. wen i think back on that day..
i keep wondering to myself.. why didnt i do it?
why did i do things that is soooooooooooooo redundant and useless..
i could have used the opportunity to say it all..
why why why? i feel sooo freaking useless.. i feel like a total loser..
tat day was the only day.. i could do it.. whyyyyy didnt i do it?
it was a hard opportunity to come by.. i dunno when would tat chance ever come back!!
so whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

in the end.. i believe for self comfort.. i told myself..
i prefer the current now.. i just couldnt take the risk.. and keep thinking of the worst..
right now i could say i would do it if i were to be given another chance.. but then..
i still believe i wouldnt dare to do it.. coz.. im just a loser..
who just cant tell him everything in my mind.. maybe.. i should have not even think about it..
i'm a fucking sore loser.. haiz..

my soul searching trip....ALONE..

9:26 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
alot ask mii why i made the sudden decision to travel overseas.. wat's worst is tat.. travelling alone..
it's hard for mii to explain.. it was on impulse.. with anger and sadness feeling surrounding mii.. and yes.. no one knew about this trip.. not my family.. not my friends.. not even dee.. until the day of my flight itself.. wen i was contemplating whether i shud travel.. it was hard.. but i made up my decision with this tot.. "i might not have the money and time like i have now.. so might as well go for it.. " and so i did.. i went over to indonesia..

day 1 (tues)
to make things less complicated.. i'd packed in the morning itself.. den slowly break the news to ppl.. LOL.. only a few knew where i went on tat day.. and then off i go.. first day was quite boring.. while waiting to check in to hotel.. i went around.. it's definitely different travelling alone.. with my personality tat's quite easy.. i walk ard according to my instinct.. bearing in mind.. this is not my country.. i'm a gal.. and i should be careful at all time.. hahahas... it was quite a sight..

went to one of the shopping mall near my hotel.. and then.. i met a fren there.. surprise surprise huh?! hahahas. i met my sec fren there.. i guess god was blessing mii.. he brought mii around.. and tell mii wat i can do with ard there.. i asked for his advice.. saying tat im seeking peace and time alone.. and so there come an idea where i shud travel down to the villages.. the only way to go there was to take bus.. and so i spend the day.. thinking where to go.. how to go.. and making sure.. i have the means to come back to the city.. i spend the whole day window shopping.. sit around.. go to my fren house to play... hahahas.. it's interesting how unplanned things turn out to be exciting.. (((:

day 2..
after breakfast.. i quickly check out from my hotel.. and then head down to the bus station to take bus to a village.. damn.. i cant remember the village name.. LOL! and so.. i went down.. it was 3 hrs bus ride down.. and haiz.. the bus condition..reminds mii of malacca city bus.. LOL! no comment.. i couldnt sleep.. couldnt eat.. so i just enjoy the greenery.. or should i say sandy trip.. LOL!

once reached the village.. i have no place to stay.. and so i keep walking and walking and walking.. till i saw a children's home.. with my skill in speaking bahasa.. i asked them if they could take mii in for one night.. and so.. they welcomed mii.. and to my surprise.. they took mii in for free.. feeling burdened... i offered to help out in the place.. this is where everything is interesting..
i helped to clean up the place.. and god.. it was an eye opener.. everywhere is dirty and dusty.. sandy.. i cant describe.. i used to complain how messy my house is.. here.. even complaining is useless.. i spent hours cleaning up.. and even so.. it's still not very tidy.. the weather is super hot.. and i sweat to the max.. reaching night time.. feeling super tired and hungry.. i offered to cook dinner for the kids.. it's funnie.. coz i used to hate cooking at home.. my mum always nagged at mii to cook... but there.. im actually following my mum's instruction in cooking.. with the ingredients tat they have.. i'd made cooked rice.. cabbage soup with carrot.. and sambal goreng without meat.. it was tough.. coz the portion is bigger.. so i need to roughly guess the ingredient to be put inside.. but thanked god.. it turned out well.. every kid seems to enjoy it.. maybe it's becoz it's something they never try before?? LOL! i dunno.. after tat.. i did cleaning and all..
doesn't it feel as if im doing community service alone?! hahahahas.

really late at night.. i went to the nearby mosque for prayer and then as i walked on the dark road.. it was too scary for mii.. too dark for mii.. i was scared.. but then.. as i looked up in the sky.. it was beautiful.. maybe bcoz the surrounding is dark.. there seems to be thousands of star in the sky.. there were alot of stars.. shining brightly.. back to the home.. the kids were resting.. some were talking.. some were learning.. some were singing.. it was quite happening.. i join here and there.. mostly i did talking.. coz they were curious about who i am.. where i came from and all.. the caretaker there was super friendly to mii.. she shares lots of stories about some of the kids and all.. slightly dramatic isnt it?! hahahahas. some stories were really sad.. making mii move to tears... and making mii realise.. how lucky i am.. being in singapore.. being educated.. being well brought up.. even though..i have to go thru some hardship.. nothing is compared to theirs..

day 3..
i went to the local markets there.. seeing and buying stuff back to the home.. to my surprise.. i met my aunt's ex maid there... i was really happie to see her.. i mean.. i was quite close to her.. and so.. i keep wondering why she didnt come back singapore to be come my aunt maid again.. so seeing her.. it's like.. i was really really happie.. hahahas... she brought mii to her house.. and there i saw her kids and husband.. we had a great catch up.. she even cried saying she miss our family.. haiz.. i understand how she felt.. 2 years taking care of the kids.. im sure she misses the kids.. and she curious how they are now.. i showed them their pictures from my phone.. managed to call home so tat they could chat with her.. hahahahas.. i was thinking.. wat kind of fate it is.. tat i met ppl tat i noe in an alien country.. it's such a small world u noe!!

i dun wish to share the place to shower and all.. it was freaking mii out.. till the point.. i dun wan to shower naked.. LOL! i spend the afternoon walking ard.. seeing here.. seeing there.. i feel soooo sad wherever i see the old ppl there.. haiz.. it was really a sight.. just seeing is tough.. how about them who have to go through all tat.. haiz.. the weather is freaking hot.. and i even thought i experience earthquake there.. but nah.. it was nth.. towards the evening.. back to dinner.. this time.. we get to eat meat! LOL! from the morning shopping.. i bought chicken (lots of it) and asked the caretaker to help mii to cook.. LOL! i cant handle poultry well yet.. hehehehe.. and so we had a filling dinner..

by right.. im like supposed to go back on day 3.. but then.. i missed my bus back to the city and so i had to stay back another day at the village.. hahahahas.. it was a mixed feeling.. i keep wondering.. where i did the right thing to stay a day longer there.. hahahahas.. tat night.. i talk to the caretaker again.. and i gave her things tat i bought in the morning.. i bought lots of stationaries and notebook for the kids.. and lastly.. i gave all the cash i have.. both rupiah and sing dollars.. hoping tat it would be a great help to them..

day 4
woke up real early to catch up the morning bus back to the city.. coz im catching my flight back in the noon.. and yes! i went back cashless! depending fully on my cards!!! hahahahas.. my bag is lighter too.. coz i gave some of my shirt to them.. and then.. home sweet home..

haiz.. lot of things learnt.. i see soo many things.. i hear soo many things.. tat i wish to keep to only myself.. i wish.. and i think.. i will not travel alone anymore!!!!!!! hahahahas.. i even lost my camera.. TT^TT

and deee! stop being angry with mii will ya.. u were..........1/99999999999999999999999999 responsible for my trip! u noe why.. dun ask mii.. so forgive mii~~ and stop being petty.. and be happie!!! u noe i love you alot!! hehehe!~

hari.signing off!!

it really hurts..

11:11 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
It hurts.. when I can’t tell my honest feelings and just keep it to myself. I rather that I had lied. At least I know that I’m a bad person..

It hurts.. when I can’t cry and yet I keep smiling to everyone and myself… I rather that I had cried out loud. At least I know that I’m a crybaby..

It hurts.. when I have to act ignorant when deep down I really care and curious.. I rather be a busybody.. At least I know that I’m not a good person..

It hurts.. that I had to think hard to look for a proper place to cry out my feelings.. a place where there’s no one but the four walls..

It just hurts to be me…

EXCITING outing!! hahahas

9:33 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
wahahahhaas.. sometimes it's reallie true.. wherever you plan.. it just doesnt go ur way...

blue + green + pink is MY font.. and the rest is cheemeng's... hahahahas..

so what actually happen on the actually day? LOLS
1) Parking Lot!
instead of parking at OGS.. the boys actually park at market street carpark (freaking far from OGS and walk over for dinner... lols.. smart to the max... ) and they were late.. (kinda expected.. HEHEHEHEHE!!)

2) Dinner!
luckily our dinner location wasnt crowded.. (since we keep contemplating whether to call for reservation.. ahahahas) and we managed to eat our dinner! (PS with free soup... LOLS... ) will never forget the rice BOWL story~~ and the BFF story (LAW CHEE MENG!!!!~)

3) Let's go WATCH movie..
and so.. we are supposed to watch movie.. we parked the vehicle at certain shopping mall (hahahas. forgot again!) and we're dead worried that our vehicle cant come out since the carpark closes at 11pm.. so there's no wayyy we could watch late movie.. so in the end.. we changed the plan to go shopping for say haow's stuff to Japan and also shop for out mini outing/picnic at marina barrage.. hahahas picnic at night.. interesting anot?!

@313 say haow wanted to buy some pant at cotton on.. and we realised that it's not worth it.. so we try to look for other things there.. so we went to uniqlo - tat had super lots of variety of pants! - and yet say haow didnt buy any!! and cheemeng end up spending instead!! hahahahas.. tat's always the case.. and then we realised tat 313 is just not the mall to shop for say haow.. so in the end~ we went back to our carpark shopping mall, went to robinson and bought his jeans.. and the shop tat we choose to buy was choosen on impulse coz of kim hyun joong! hahahahas damn funnie.. i was like.. "ehh! it's my SS501 leader~~" and then we went over to tat shop.. HAHAHHAS.. by the time we reached there, it was kinda late and the shop are mostly packing to close shop.. so imagine we rush like mad.. hahahas...

NEXT! we rushed to cold storage to buy stuff for out mini outing! hahahas. due to time constraint, we simply take and throw the stuff in the trolley! hahahahs.. it's reallie like picnic as we bought stuff like apple n banana (lols! thanks to mii!), chips and chips and chips, bread, lots of drinks (sorrie!), ice cream and etc!! hahahahas.. we are like mentally prepared to stay overnight! hahahahahahahas.

5) let's GO to MARINA BARRAGE!
it was a tough thing to decide between ecp or marina barrage.. hahahas. so since we're in the city area, we decide on marina barrage.. hahahas... and we reached there at ard 11.30 pm! hahahas.. wrong choice.. super wrong choice.. hahahas.. coz one, place kinda pack - we cldnt get the scenic view (say haow makes lots of noise from it!!!).. and two, it was super dark.. seriously lack of lights ard there.. but the nice thing abt there is of course the KITE!!~ hahahahas .. damn cool la..

and wen we finally settled down.. starts eating our melting ice cream first (which cheemeng drop all the time.. say haow complain not nice and mii eating super slow and noisy.. hahahas), we open up our drinks (different ppl open different drink!! hahahas.. cheemeng opened his nutritea, mii open up my orange juice and say haow open up his carrot juice.. lols..funnie to the max!) and start eating our heaty chips! hahahas.. as we getting deeper to conversation (yes.. deep talks...) the stupid water have to spoil it alll~ RAWR! the place was watering the grass with the auto water.. and damn!!~ we got wet.. and i got wet the most! oh well.. slow reaction.. hahahahas..
chee meng was like the water is coming and i reacted slow to it.. and serve mii rite.. super wet on my back.. and we tot it's just a one time thing.. it keeps spraying and we keep running and complaining! hahahas.. so we decided to get out of the place!!! hahahahas.. we sat tat for like and hr only la! wasted trip! shud have gone to other places..

so now.. we actually heading to ecp.. (in our mind~) COZ the random mii (actually not random la.. just tat i remembered how much say haow complain abt mii being his BFF and yet had never visited his new house(not so new la.. 3 yrs liao) at woodlands.. so i suggested to go to say haow house.. and everyone agreees.. and here we go~~~

6) WOODLANDS aka SAY HAOW house.. here we come!!~ lols!
and so we had decided to settle down at say haow house.. by the time we reached there was like 1am.. and after washing up and all, we finally sat down to play games.. we play monopoly chia version.. LOLS! the game was fairly fun!~ hahahahahas.. with say haow's suayness.. cheemeng's luckiness.. and my.. ahem.. 50 50 suay and luck... we played till 4am!! hahahahas.. by 4am.. we start feeling sleepy.. especially tan say haow.. hahahas.. he keeps laying down wanting to sleep! while mii adn cheemeng tot tat we cld never wake up once we sleep.. hahahas! so to distract ourselves, we start watching some videos.. hahahahas.. time flies kinda fast.. hate the guys though.. heavy heads!!! lols! almost suffocate there!!~

7) cannot take it anymore!! let's go!!~
wen the clock strike 5am.. we start getting out of say haow house.. and heads towards 24hr mac! ahahas.. at woodlands mart.. it was quite a distant from his house.. and the police even tot say haow was a lost kid.. hehehe.. reached mac.. had breakfast.. hahahas.. i didnt noe they had the deluxe bf.. i think it's a good deal though! hahahas.. as usual.. we had sooo many things to complain.. such as the ppl there gave us super lots of margarine and 5 box of maple syrup.. and we were like.. i think we'll use 2 only la.... and then complain abt salt and pepper.. hahahahas.. every little things.. seriously~ hahahahas.. and then we start realising our different eating styles.. for bf only la.. hahahhas.. the most cmi one is chee meng! i dun even wan to remember it!! rawr! hahahahas.. and then we realised it's 6am already wen we heard the national anthem! hahahas.

8) finally home sweet home..
and sooo.. we head home... hahahahahas.. dead tired.. the moment i open the door, my 1st and 3rd brother with my mum were looking at mii.. they tot im in my room sleeping.. hehehehe.. i reach home ard 6.30am! and so.. i had decided to sleep in my brother room instead..more like to disturb my 2nd brother..hehehe... half asleep 2nd bro saw mii and asked 'why you wake up soo early!" and so i said that i just reached home adn it's only 2am! he noobly believed mii and went back to sleep.. he had no clue abt it till abt noon~~ hahahas.. wen my mum was making noise abt mii gg home late! hahahahs~ NOOB ttm! lols..

overall! the trip is super interesting and awesome! hahahas.. we did sooo many things tat we never did before.. yes! realllie many!! and we realised the picture of mii and cheemeng is displayed at say haow house.. AWWWW!~ so sweeet!~ cheemeng keep saying im super high all the time.. hahahas.. we realised say haow true colour.. hahahahas.. he cannot tahan torning la.. hehehehe.. and many other things as well! fun fun fun!!! the trip was super memorable tat i had decided to blog abt it!~

and so... hari is signing off!!~ ((:

the QUIET me...

2:26 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
these words keep playing in my mind...

"tell the truth...be honest...BUT.. i am not lying either..i SIMPLY choose to remain silent..."

this is all because...

"at times, it's reallie best to remain silent.. because.. different people react differently to certain things...it may just be something way further than what you would actually had expected it..."

SAVE MII..thanks.

does effort really pays off?

10:10 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
i did try my best to ask.. i did try my best to take part..
however, at the same time, i think being ignorant is the way, although im not the type to do so.
wen i keep telling myself to ignore.. dont care.. just continue normally..
why must my effort being questioned again and again??

i was able to ignore those things.. i act as if it doesnt affects mii..
and smile and laugh like i normally do.. why do i feel so senseless? haizzzz


3:47 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
RAWR! yeah.. i got no life nowadaes..
no money no life.. got money STILL no life...
got life no money.. no life, just DIE la! lols!

mon - fri, 9-6pm, see mii no where except RAFFLES PLACE. yeah.. im still working in RBS. under contract for 3mths only. last day = 31st May 2010.
and then.. by the time i reach home is already 7pm. 7pm - 2am is the only time that I can relaxed and watch drama. My entertainment source.. haiz..
but in situations where i don't go home, i would be probably somewhere ard town or city going out with frens for DINNER or drinks.. haiz..

sat - sun, the only time where i can relax la.. either i spend my time at home or go out lor. but usually, i end up accompanying my mum doing stuff liek going to relative/friends wedding - all the time.. haiz.. i still havent include my commitment in private tutoring.. haiz boring life..

as time goes by, more and more ppl are talking about going overseas.. perhaps, i might have shown no interest in these kind of talks however im just a normal human.. i would definitely be excited to go overseas with frens la.. like u noe.. totally independant.. oh well.. i hope i will get those chance wen i grow older.. (((:

finally graduating from poly.. waiting for acceptance from uni - tat's taking forever.. and yeah.. thinking how i should make use of my remaining time after quiting rbs and uni.. work? - later no time to hang out.. slack at home? - i will just get scolded for being lazy.. go out? - like tat money will constantly go down.. HAIZ. WHAT AM I TO DO WITH MY LIFE?! RAWR!

LOVE LIFE? oh god.. dun even talk about it. as much as im not interested in getting into a relationship. i do feel lonely at times. PATHETIC! i know.. such a LOSER! i know well enuf.. but eotteokajyo? life needs to go on.. (((:

WHATEVER LIFE! dun wanna care alreadii.. just move on and grow..
currently planning malacca trip with the interns.. yeah.. with nicole, joanne, valerie, wanying, yizhi, sikai, alvin etc.. some of them still havent confirm yet la.. but im sure is excited for this trip.. hahahs.. coz we're travelling together yo! hahahas.. 2 days most probably.. woot woot..

and yes! im still waiting to go out with some ppl.. such as meeting my 2cube! meeting my freshies such as al and ardy! hanging out with my BFF, syak and amirah.. and maybe, E4Com outing??? oh well.. tat's hard to get everyone.. LOLS.. and yeah.. cheemeng and sayhaow meet up! (((:

thanks for everything..

11:52 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
i got scolded for something that is totally not my fault...
wat's worst is tat, im the victim and yet i got scolded for it..
and becoz of that, i got really angry and yet i cant say anything about it...
im like suppressing a huge feeling of anger becoz of the scolding and also bcoz im the victim..

and now.. im crying not becoz im sad but becoz of anger.. it feels so hard to breathe.. haizzz.

TP RBS Interns Picnic 21022010

2:18 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
wahahahas! I noe abit late la... but i just wanna upload the picnic pictures here for memories! hahas. we had organise a picnic.. at ECP... and of course, it was slightly tough.. coz it's a PICNIC. we booked nothing.. and i was dead worried that we couldnt get a spot to sit. and also.. we got no wet weather plan and so on.. hahas.. but i think, it's the number of ppl that matters!

horrible guys! ask them to meet mii at PP mac.. and they went ECP mac! hahahahs.. was slightly angry but it's okie.. i made them come to PP mac to help mii carry things.. hahahas. alvin lim - hu was supposed to bring the mat, cannot make it last min - so luckily i managed to borrow my cousin's mat! hahahas. and one huge tray of noodle, i was struggling carrying all of it. weeee (: so the guys do the job wen we met at MP NTUC... wah.. the whole place is really different and i really dunno what is where anymore! horrible! but i see my old colleagues! miss them lots! hahahas.

so the first batch of ppl tat came is mii, sikai, zhiyuan and yizhi.. 4 of us slowly loiters ard and try to find new spot.. till yizhi say.. let's sit here!~ hahahas.. den we sat down, eat first and play bridge.. hehe.

den nicole and alvin tan came over.. thanked god for nicole for bringing her own mat coz my mat totally small for alot of us.. hahahahs.. den she brought speaker as well.. so we all can listen to music.. as much as i wanna offer my ipod, there's only korean song inside.. hahahs!

after tat, we had weichoy and lastly deeraj, who came with the rain.. so we went pool.. hahahas. durign the pool. only some stayed.. the rest went HK cafe to slack.. haha.. not bad right.. sometime, i feels tat plannign just doesnt work at times~

so here are some of the picts to share!

my photographer! and of course my dino jr! (:

play bridge anyone? hahahsalvin tan saying no to pictures! heee

happie sikai and yizhi..
sikai's disturbing glass!

time to eat my SOUR sweet!
sikai's expression: "SO SOUR LA!"

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... -_________________-
sweets and music~
okie baby sikai.. too much of his pict liao! hahahahas.
hahas. alvin sharing his cards~
the arrival of wei choy~
look at the pro expression..


Last Day of Internship...

1:37 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
oh well.. 26 Feb marks the last day of my internship... including others as well..
for those who extend as contractors, we'll be meeting each other next week for abt 2-3 months..
for those who is not extending, especially the guys, hope to meet up with you ppl very soon.. i noe u all going NS and all, but we can still MEET rite! hahas!

personally, i'm actually very sad that slowly the number of interns left is getting lesser and lesser.. it was kinda expected however i still feel very sad about it.. haiz.. how i wish i have the power to keep the people i like to be around mii all the time.. but life doesnt go around mii.. and i cant force ppl or anything..

the interns in RBS was super bonded... i feel so.. we gets closer day by day.. no more awkwardness.. no more shyness.. although at times, we may felt unhappiness towards somebody, but i'm sure we forget about it soon after.. wen we sit down and chit chat and chill, we definitely got lots of jokes and laughter to share.. even silence are appreciated at times.. drinking session? every friday? why not? although i cant drink and dun drink, i felt that it's fun... felt bad though.. but i have my own principle to follow and i need to be discipline with myself.. frankly, i do CONSIDER drinking.. after seeing many ppl - my kind - drinks.. i wish i was like them.. i wish i was daring enuf to go against my conscience.. however, there's a corner in mii that says, "ONCE YOU START, YOU WILL CONTINUE DOING THE SAME" - this kind of fear keeps mii from not drinking..

i still havent share the GOOD news of mii extendign to my family.. havent share the pay amount.. havent share the period of extension.. nothing.. i wanna keep it a surprise.. coz i think they would be proud of mii.. lols! in any case, the extension is just a few months.. i'm sure i'll only be able to reach my goals once i graduate from university.. like how i had promised myself and my family... and now i tot - 'so this is how im growing up to be an adult'

my team.. as said earlier.. my team had been wonderful! especially with nez, zion and sharleen in the team.. but sad to say.. i'll be alone during march period.. since each of them going overseas trip.. sad rite~ but it's okie! i'll do the cover up in SINGAPORE! ((:

about love life.. i had decided to be cool about it.. im not going to take any initiative.. to like someone or to know the someone or whatever... im just gonna be cool about it and not look for it..
if it's meant to come, it will come.. if im meant to be single all my life, let it be.. i noe it's pathetic to say these but this is seriously what i feel.. coz i realised that wherever i look for it, i fall for him and then.. i will be the one getting hurt.. and once u get hurt, u still have to recover from the hurt and pain.. and all these will just make mii mentally tired.. i shud be manipulative and use my mental power for other things such as studying or gaining some good knowledge.. seriously, being RBS i realised my strength and my weakness... what's worst is that.. the weakness is so intimidating and demorallisign to mii and my strength is not that wonderful either.. haiz.. time to wake up~~~

Trying to blog from my itouch..

11:30 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Hahas.. This is interesting.. I can only input words from the HTML part n not the compose column.. Lols
actually I got many things to post up.. But I keep thinking whether it's good to share in a blog which many ppl can see... Haiz
so I had decided not to post anything about those that I was soooo happie about.. Lols

I'd told myself that I'm not going to look for it and wait for it to come.. But then.. Somehow.. Same thing happens again n again... Haiz.. But I guess the way I handle my feelings is slightly different this time.. . One thing for sure.. I keep denying that I like him.. Even to myself.. I myself wants him as a good fren and nothing more.. Coz this will lead to nowhere n in the end of the day... The one gettin hurt is mii n not him.. So let mii myself set the barrier and hold myself together before i fall into the bottomless pit...

I know I'm getting more and more attracted to him.. But whatever I do, I'll tell myself that being his frens is better than confessing and then become awkward with each other becoz of some confessions... Haiz.. I'll just wait an wait n will not take the initiative.. (:

i still dunno.. hahahas

10:10 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
i spend ard 5 mins to think of a suitable post title.. and i still havent decide on what to write.. LOLS..

January 2010 is ending soon.. hahahs. time flies so fast sia.. and 2010 had been wonderful so far, but i had 2-3 sadness that happened to mii.. hahahas.. i'm trying to be optimistic and move on..

as time flies, the time spend as an intern in RBS also flies... time flies so fast till one point of time, i counted that i had 3 more weeks of internship left... hahahas.. and i reallie felt sad about it... my internship ends on the 12 of feb.. which is.. erm.. 2 weeks from now.. and because of that, i spend about an hour reading my esip! remembering the time i first enter RBS, the first time working in the office life.. first time communicating with so many foreigner.. lots of first time... lots of memories.. lots of learning point.. lots and lots and lots of it.. (: overall, i'm really glad and happie to be in my team and i feel very lucky... thank you god. you had answered my prayer. but at the same time, pardon mii for being such a greedy follower, there are still many things that i had yet to achieve... but only you noe my life best and i had always believed tat you always give the best to mii... for that, i'm thankful.

oh well.. my internship had extended anyway.. till 26 feb.. yup.. 2 more weeks.. as to whether i'll continue in RBS after internship, graduation and till i go university, it's still pending.. hehehehe..

talking about university.. wah.. this one is a huge headache to mii.. and i had spend soooooo many weeks thinking about it and i'm still thinking.. LOLS.. february - the application will open and i'm like gonna send at least one application to the local uni - NUS, NTU and SMU... im hoping to get NUS or NTU of course.. but more to the NTU side.. but it's so FAR! hahahas. as to wat course i'm applying.. hmmmmm... secret.. lols! wait till i got the application den talk about it... else, just hope that i got the best for myself.. hahahahas..

i reallie feel like talking about work stuff here but really la.. cannot blog abt it.. hahahas.. all that i can say is.. my team is getting more and more happening and im loving it.. it rox.. but im worried that i cannot leave this place when it's time.. i think im like gonna cry and cry and cry.. hahahas.. MAYBE la.. sometimes, when u think u will, u will end up the NOT... hahahas.

suffering from body ache now.. argh.. i seriously need to train up sia.. hahahas.. jialat man..

i'm signing off...


9:27 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

for making mii feels like this....
if i read your msg 1000 times, i'll think, "how can i not like him?" 1000 times too! (:

Dont be good to me..

12:12 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Been badly sick.. stomach flu.. from tuesday.. and it turns severe yesterday..
how severe can it be? hmmm.. today i went to see doctor again and the doctor ask mii to drip for few hours since im unable to eat and got no energy.. good thing i had my sister in law as nurse.. she help mii out in that at home.. hahahs. few hours on it.. and i feel so much energetic now.. RAWR!

as i was badly sick, im especially thankful to those who care for mii..
sikai, valerie, nicole and zhiyuan had constantly sms-ed mii to ask mii how am i..
at work, alvin lim, ronald, joanne, sharleen, nez, vincent, auntie irene asks how i feel.. thanks!
feel especially blessed this time round.. thank you!
not forgetting amirah and syakira - sad that syakira kena stomach flu like mii also! pls recoveer soon u! hahas

just sharing something that had been troubling mii..
sometimes, it's especially easy to misunderstood someones good gesture as something else..
but it's good gesture afterall, so it's supposed to be a good thing. but if im not confident of myself to accept it, i might just get hurt if i had fallen for it.. and once i had fallen for it, it's hard to find the way back.. matters of the heart, it's hard to decipher.. haiz..
he started being close to mii and since tat, i cant stop thinking about it.. den at one point of time, he told mii to stop being too close to him.. leaving mii speechless and stunned.. when i finally restrained myself from him, he's the one coming over to mii again.. making mii all confused.. i dunno what he trying to do.. dunno what he wants.. but i'm not going to take the risk.. im going to treat him as a fren.. and just a fren..
but despite saying all this, deep down in my heart, i always anticipate what he does to mii.. anticipate his calls and his sms.. his this and his that.. haiz.. it's like there's something that makes mii keep going over to him despite mii having to avoid him and restrain myself... no matter how much i wan it, i have to tell him, dont be good to me.. i'm scared of getting hurt again..

and that's how my feelings are now.. linked to the below video.. 90% similar..

I'll end this post with this song - Don't Be Good to Me - Kim Jong Kook


10:58 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
lols.. wonders wat's bluek? doesnt it sounds like vomitting sound? YES!
lols.. been sick.. two days to be exact.. and still sick..
i was sick till the point that i cant do much except for sleep, camp in toilet and lie down.. hahahs..

i have to admit.. the reason i'm sick is becoz of someone.. haiz..
it's like his msg disappoint mii.. hurts my feelings badly till i can feel my whole body warmed up.. warmed up nvm.. wen i hear his msg ringtone again, instead of looking at it, i covered my ears and cried badly.. i totally breakdown.. i keep thinking of his msg till the point that... haiz..

and in the end, i just went to my room, skipped dinner and sleep.. well.. obviously i cant sleep coz i keep thinking about it.. but then.. somehow, i managed to fall asleep.. den comes the worst.. at 2am, i started vomitting.. vomitting once or twice nvm.. it's like constantly till my mum put a bucket in my room.. den early morning go see doctor..

i have to admit.. till now, i still cant stop thinking of it.. or cant stop thinking of him.. i was so disappointed at how he misunderstood everything.. but then again, i think why shud i care coz it's him that misunderstood and not mii.. so now, i just gonna stay silent.. recover asap.. and just ignore..

think of the happie times.. hari.. turn to the next page! lols!

RBS TP Interns BBQ 090110

1:48 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
niwaes... i'm very very happie... coz 09 Jan was a GREAT day.. i'm super tired though.. hahahs..
early morning went to wet market to buy bbq foood.. LOLS.. went with my mum and brothers.. hahahas.. and we had breakfast outside as well.. LOLS.. den rushed home to go plaza singapura to collect Edwin's bodybuilding competition tickets.. after that rushed home to pack to go to SiKai's house for the bbq.. hahahas.. im so happie.. coz some ppl tat i didnt expect to come, came.. hahahs.. in the end, the attendees are mii, sikai, nicole, vale, yizhi, ronald, alvin tan and wei choy... hahas... although not much variety of food.. i think it's quite enjoyable..

we met at simei mrt.. to shop for stuff at ntuc.. den sikai's mum fetch us.. hahahas.. gosh.. i think sikai is lucky.. i think he got a nice family.. pretty and nice mum.. cool dad.. frenly siblings.. hahahs.. seriously.. i can't help it but to compare la.. but well, everyone has their own story.. (:

sikai being the fire starter.. LOLS.. he really ah pek la.. keeps making the fire with mii and ronald.. STUPID charcoal... produce more ashes than heat.. RAWR.. den destroy my foood... LOLS.. then at some point of time, i went to play my UNO attack that i brought over last minute-ly.. LOLS.. after that, most of the time, i'm busy doing the bbqing.. yizhi came over and brought his poker cards and taught the ppl how to play bridge.. lols.. seriously, i'd never played poker nor Tie-T nor watever got to do with poker cards.. so i see no point of mii joining them.. LOLS.. the guys enjoyed bridge to the max.. and we gals spends the whole time cooking the food and pass it to them.. LOLS.. i enjoyed doing my satay! hahahs! playing with fire.. hahahs.. happie that food is cleared.. weee (:

den nicole and weichoy left early coz they got prior appt with other ppl.. soo down to vale, mii, sikai, yizhi, ronald and alvin tan.. hahas. finally mii and valerie sat down and ate the prawns.. LOLS.. the guys is still in their own world playing games.. den vale had to leave earlier.. leaving mii the only gal.. it's not a bad thing la.. coz i really dun wan to leave early.. but neither do i expect to leave THAT late.. hahas.. but i LIKE~~ lols.. niwaes, while the guys continue playing, i did my share, as a gal, by clearing the bbq place.. hahahs.. by 10 like tat, they decided to go sikai house and CONTINUE playing.. lols.. at sikai's house, i managed to wash up abit.. coz i brought extra shirt.. and my body is too oily from the bbq-ing.. hahahas.

den being the only gal and being the one hu dunno how to play bridge... i decided to read magazine~ lols.. so yizhi suggested that i either play STREET FIGHTER at PS3 or learn to play bridge.. hahas.. so i partnered sikai, hu is supposed to teach mii the game.. but i feel sorrie that they need to waste another time explaining to mii so i told them to just play and i'll learn the rope from there.. hahas.. so sikai tried his best to teach mii.. thanks for that.. but still, i dun get the bidding part! lols.. i like the hearts part and love the partner part.. haahahs. i think the game is realy nice to watch if u noe hu is hu's partner.. HAHAAS.. i ESPECIALLY entertained by Alvin's sound effect.. everytime he made a sound effect, everyone would laugh like mad.. hahahs. i like RONALD's randomness.. LOLS.. good sia... and yizhi is like soooo suay.. keep getting below 4 pts.. and for sikai.. hmmm.. i shall not say anything coz he's my partner.. LOLS.. it's really fun lor..

den they guys keep playing and playing till 2am! yes! 2am! hahahas.. so decided to fly home.. with ronald and yizhi.. reached home at ard 2.30am just to realise i dun have house key.. weee (; yes.. slept outside till 4am.. hahahas.. where my bro called mii.. LOLS.. i think i can fall sick liao.. LOLS... so quoting from valerie, 090110 RBS TP Interns BBQ is a success! muahahahas. will upload picts later.. coz now i lazy.. LOLS.. weee (:

it's so funnie.. wen i woke at 8am just now, i went to change place to sleep.. went to my brother's room.. lols.. den i keep thinking of the bbq, i think i fall asleep smiling.. i really enjoyed it.. LOLS..

ending this post with.. Betting~

This screenshot was taken from my twitter.. the reason for being nervous was becoz i made a bet on his driving test.. and i still have the bet notes on my phone.. i wrote "here's the bet.. if he passed his test, we're meant to be.. Else, i'll have to forget him.." but then, i noe the result well enuf.. i lose the bet.. follow the consequences.. maybe it's fated that way.. BUT SOMEHOW, I'M RELUCTANT... but at this point of time, i made it clear to myself, it's time to forget him.. but take ur time.. no matter how reluctant you are.. take your time.. this is the first starting point..

but somehow along the way.. he made mii waver again and again.. obviously, unintentionally.. but still what can i say.. he's clueless.. and perhaps that why i made the second bet.. but now that i think again, i'm just finding ways and manners to continue liking him.. like wat ppl say.. if u really want it, u'll make 1001 excuses.. hence this drags on..

making the bet already shows that i'm starting to think twice.. making a bet is not easy.. coz the consequences that i'm facing is something that i dun reallie wan.. lots of what if.. lots of uncertainty.. i thought alot to come to this betting.. i gather lots of courage to continue with the bet.. when the actually day arrives, i was praying hard hoping that this is for the best of both of us.. i was very nervous.. i was very scared.. it's hard to describe my emotions that day.. constant worries and constant fear.. haiz.. oh well.. it's over anyway.. just like one of my new year resolution is..

lots of lesson learnt.. lots of point taken... Hari, LEARN from it..

"A broken heart continues to beat."

"When you love somebody, they become a part of you. That’s why it hurts so much to let them go. When you love someone that doesn’t love you back, it’s hard to find a way to keep yourself on track. It leaves your heart broken and hurts so much but that’s why it’s called a crush."

"I'm gonna smile like nothing is wrong.. talk like everything is perfect, act like it's just a dream, and pretend he's not hurting me.. "

have u?

2:31 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
hmmm.. have u ever experience a situation where your mind and your heart speaks to each other? well.. i think i had mine yesterday.. maybe it doesnt sound right... but this is wat happens.. my heart was super troubled yesterday.. coz of 2 reasons.. and coz of that, i think my mood totally goes bad and i feel like crying all the time.. den at one point of time, perhaps i was trying to comfort myself, in my heart, i said - how bout this hari, dun bother about it coz it will just hurt you further - wen tat happens, i keep thinking about what i did.. lols.. it's like im talking in 3rd person perspective.. LOLS. anyways.. the brain advices the heart so that i won't get hurt.

and isit becoz i made that decision that things is starting to change? i was super tired and dun feel like going to work at all.. my right eyes keep flickering - means u gonna cry - and i keep wondering what will happen today.. oh well.. finally it happen.. and i was trying hard to control the emotion, control my reaction and chill.. but then wen ppl ask mii whether im sad or whether im okie, tears just keep rolling.. it finally happens.. and somehow im glad.. coz i told myself, new year - pls end it... and i'm halfway through the journey.. should i be changing lane? i dun think so.. coz to mii, changing lane or not, i'll still get hurt.. i'll definitely get hurt.. maybe i'll just stay this way for the time being.. i dunno whether it's a good thing or not.. but i think i wont be able to like anyone anymore.. at least not now.. that's wat i feel.. the pain is unbearable that makes mii dun wan to go thru it anymore.. it's not just becoz of him, it's everything.. everything as a whole.. at times i blame it to God coz he makes mii go thru all these.. i noe im wrong to do that.. but then.. haiz.. keep the happie memories.. and just remember it as it is... maybe there's a blessing in disguise.. although i dun care... i just feel so weak right now.. and i dun even wan to try to be optimistic..


11:39 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
well.. happie new year.. hahahas..
oh well.. nothing much is done during this long weekends..
but i think i spent most of the time sleeeeping.. and sleeeping and sleeeping.. lols

hahahs... really enjoyed the days at home.. lols
my family were are in shocked wen i tell them that i shall be at home during new year.. LOLS
they r like expecting mii to go out and hang out with frens.. but oh well.. decided to stay home.. weee (: had lots of fun with my crazy brother telling mii all sorts of joke~ hahahas

one the 3rd Jan.. i went out with sayhaow, cheemeng and eugene.. lols.. wat a GAY day.. hahahas.
spent the whole day at Bugis.. all start off with say haow needed to buy some clothes.. met the guys at 2pm(yes im late SORRIE. lols) at bugis junction.. den went to bugis street first to walk walk.. den met up with eugene... eugene was hungry.. so decided to go bugis junction to eat pastamania.. after tat, walk around the place for awhile.. where we took NEOPRINTS! yes.. GAY.. den, we went over to bencoolen for dessert.. LOLS.. after dessert, went over to OG.. after OG, we went over to bugis street again.. den go to SIM LIM for dinner.. den went to ILUMA to watch movie.. imagine walking back and fro bugis.. we got sianed and tired big time.. hahahas.. the movie~ lols! the fourth kind.. my real intention is to watch some horror movie but in the end we watch the fourth kind which is like alien movie... it's like.. if u r mentally prepared that u going to be watching a horror movie, the movie wouldnt turn out tat scary... but if it's the opposite, i guess the impact is huge.. hahahas.. tat's wat happen to mii.. how scary can an alien movie be? LOLS.. cant blame anyone but myself.. i got shocked in one of the scene and i started regretting since then.. hahahas.. dun ask how's the movie.. after the movie, the 3 of us turned speechless.. we got no comment about the movie however we r left with lots of question in the head.. hahahs.. oh well~

den nothing much.. i spend most of the time catching up with my dramas and variety shows.. got addicted to 2PM tired of waiting.. see below...

here's sth to reflect sth tat i spend some time thinking..
please just look at me for one last time..i couldnt say anything...
i'm the one who's crying like a fool..why can't you understand my heart..my heart tightens as time passes.. my eyes squeezing tears out... i am scared that this is the end....
i have lots to say so please listen.. do you know how i feel and i've confessed countless times... with or without you i have worry syndrome...don't neglect mii.. i want you by my side...
shivering lips and my heart won't last much..i am scared that it might stop..
did you get my sign? weeee (: